Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A man is talking to God. The man: “God, how long is a million years?” God: “To me, it’s about a minute.” The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?” God: “To me it’s a penny.” The man: “God, may I have a penny?” God: “Wait a minute.”
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What is white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean?
A: A blackboard.
The First 3 Years of Marriage In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can’t jump!
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.” The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch!” He says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”
“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ” Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.” Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”
“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?” “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it’s made a big difference for me.” “That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” the man from the limousine said excitedly. “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The rich man replied, “No, thank you… the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!”
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war…could you help me?” “Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”